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Queer As Folk Quote Database
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Bartender: And the luckiest prick in Pittsburgh is... Brian Kinney. (211)

Bath House Attendant: No broads in the bathhouse!  (212)

Ben: Are you okay?
Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down, you know? Too much excitement, I guess.
Ben: Ah. Has been pretty eventful.
Michael: No shit. My head is spinning. The Ride and the baby and the wedding.
Ben: Can you believe we're really married?
Michael: Are we? Really?
Ben: Of course we are.
Michael: But we don't live in Canada. We live here. So, is it still real?
Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?
Michael: So worth it. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: Are you out of your mind?
Michael: You met my mother. Do you really need to ask that? (209)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: Does he always kiss you like that?
Michael: About four times a year. Usually when he's really drunk or wants me to shut up. (211)

Ben: I don't want to celebrate my goddamned birthday.
Brian: Finally, a man with the right attitude. (216)

Ben: I've decided to stop using the steroids.
Michael: Good for you.
Ben: They are counterproductive to my healing.
Michael: Why don't you just say they've turned you into a raving shit?
Ben: All right, they have turned me into a raving shit. I'm sorry.
Michael: Thanks. But you're apologizing for the wrong thing.
Ben: Well, what then?
Michael: You're the brainy professor, you figure it out.
Ben: Okay, I'm sorry for saying that I should find someone who's positive. That was the drugs talking.
Michael: No, it was you! Don't make excuses. If that's what you want, then do it!
Ben: It's not what I want. I want you.
Michael: At 9 o'clock on Tuesday morning? What about 10?
Ben: I will feel the same at 10, and 11, and 12.
Michael: You really going to stop?
Ben: I already have. Now, why don't you get dressed and come with me?
Michael: It's not my world. I don't belong there.
Ben: You belong with me. (307)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: It constantly impresses and amazes me how, when confronted with the worst of circumstances, we as gay men, somehow manage to rise to the challenge. (410)
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Ben: It's all lubed up, the seat's nice and tight...
Hunter: I'm gonna ride it, not fuck it. (413)
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Ben: Look, Debbie, you know better than anyone he would have an easier ride.
Debbie: Who says love's an easy ride? General Motors? Michael's used to bumps. He grew up with me. So, if you think you're doing him a favor by leaving, there's no need. My son's strong. He's strong enough to see anything through. The question is, are you? (220)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: So, what's Vic's new boyfriend like?
Michael: They're so alike, it's uncanny.
Ben: What, same interests, same temperament?
Michael: Same disease. They're both positive.
Ben: Oh. Where'd you get that?
Michael: I found it, wrapped up in the garbage.
Ben: Michael! Michael, I've used it! Just put it down!
Michael: You know, seeing Vic and his new boyfriend, that really made me think, you know? Maybe you're right. Maybe you should be with a pos guy.
Ben: No. No, I was upset when I said that. I didn't mean that.
Michael: Maybe that pos guy should be me.
Ben: Michael, please!
Michael: Please what? All it would take is a quick jab in a vein and - be over in a flash. I'd hardly feel a thing and then I'd be just like you.
Ben: I don't want you to be like me.
Michael: You said you want someone who knows what you're going through. Who wakes up every morning and suddenly remembers, 'hey, that's right, I've got this thing.' Who thinks every time he gets a cold or the flu, this is it, this is the end. Who's filled with resentment and anger 'cause he can never have kids, and who has to shoot himself up with steroids because his lover died, and he's scared shitless he's next. And who has to drive away the person he loves, and who loves him, because he doesn't understand! Well, now I will!
Ben: No, please, please, don't. For God's sake, STOP!
Michael: No, you stop! Stop using this shit. Stop hurting yourself - and stop hurting us. (307)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: Something tells me we've been stood up.
Brian: Over a comic book.
Ben: More than just a comic book. There's nothing as sexual as the act of creation. When I'm writing and it's pouring out of me, I swear to God, I'm like, completely turned on. Sometimes, I even get a hard-on.
Brian: Is that what they mean by stroke of genius?
Ben: It's the fucking greatest orgasm there is.
Brian: You have your orgasms between the pages, I'll have mine between the sheets.
Ben: I bet it's the same with Michael and Justin. What they're sharing is the most intense form of intimacy there is. Nothing, not even the hottest fuck in the world, can come close. Let's have another drink, while our boyfriends are cheating on us. (215)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: This is touching, don't you think?
Michael: I do... I do. Ben, did you hear what I said?
Ben: Yeah, you said... (413)
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Ben: We're fostering a minor, Michael. If they found out we had pot or any other illegal substances around the house, we could lose him.
Michael: I forgot I even had it. Brian gave it to me for emergencies.
Ben: He obviously went snooping and found it. Michael? What are you doing?
Michael: This is an emergency.
Ben: Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves.
Michael: Of course we can. That's what parenting is all about. (407)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: What, are you counting off how many shopping days left till Christmas?
Michael: It's Melanie's ovulation cycle.
Ben: And what a perfect spot for it, right beside our bed.
Michael: Well, it's to remind me when we can do it, and when we can't.
Ben: Whoever thought our sex life would be ruled by a fertility chart?
Michael: Well, now that I'm going to be a father with full credit and everything, I gotta be extra-special responsible. Tonight looks good though. You up for it?
Ben: Yeah, soon as I get back from the gym.
Michael: Wait, you're going to the gym again? Well, don't be late.
Ben: Huh, and miss my window of opportunity? (304)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just looking. You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kind of cute yourself. (401)
:: submitted by kalindy

Ben: With his eyes fixed firmly in the past; so by the present he was destroyed. (508)

Ben: Yes, you are seeing it. The most historic reunification since Germany.
Emmett: What happened to the fiddler?
Michael: He fell off the roof. (309)

Ben: You don't take a mouthful of meds, never knowing when they'll stop working, never knowing when a fucking cough or fucking sniffle may land you in the hospital... because to you it is just a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle! And every time I go to kiss you, or suck you, or fuck you, even when we're protected, even then there's always this awful, shitty doubt that maybe, just maybe, you could get infected. (306)
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Ben: Your friend Stockwell chased all the hustlers off Liberty Avenue -- now they're right under our bedroom window.
Brian: Say what you will about city living, you can't beat it for the convenience. (308)
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Blake: How about we go take a shower?
Ted: *Gasp!* To-ge-ther? (121)
:: submitted by caedlahn

Blake: I was afraid of disappointing you, of failing again.
Ted: Well, you have. And I can't live with an addict. And I can't make love to an addict. And that sickens me to think about what you're doing to a person I happen to care a whole lot about who obviously cares so little about himself. So I have no choice...except to say goodbye.
Blake: I don't wanna be like this!
Ted: Then check yourself into rehab. (122)

Blake: Wait. How's Guiseppe Verdi a trigger?
Ted: He was here watching the whole time.
Blake: Yeah. He was also here the first time you played La Traviata for me. I say we give him a reprieve. (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Blake: You're beautiful, because you don't know you are. (103)
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Brandon: Go slow, and take it easy. I don't bottom very often. (508)
:: submitted by Adrian

Brandon: If I win, I get back into Babylon. And what if I lose?
Brian: Then I get into you. (507)

Brian: For someone who’s never seen a western on principle you have an awfully keen interest in firearms? Where’d you get it?
Justin: Cody gave it to me.
Brian: How thoughtful. What’s next? Small nuclear device?
Justin: It’s necessary that we have them, after what happened the other night, we could have been killed.
Brian: Play with this long enough and you will be.
Justin: Will you just….
Brian: You’re not running around the streets with a concealed weapon.
Justin: I told you….
Brian: It’s necessary so that you and Cody can be the Gay Avengers, heroes of the resistance, martyrs to the cause.
Justin: We’re trying to stop violence before it happens.
Brian: Ha ha by starting it?
Justin: You wouldn’t think it was so funny if you were the one who’d been bashed?
Brian: Nobody said it was funny.
Justin: They hate us! They want us dead! (405)
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Brian: You're going to be a great dad.
Michael: How do you know?
Brian: You raised me, didn't you? Look how I turned out. (307)
:: submitted by Lori

Brian: 'Hey hey ho ho homophobia's got to go.' Gimme a fucking break.
Michael: So I take it you're not going?
Brian: Hell no, I won't go. (201)
:: submitted by Aeryn

Brian: A big fat lie is I won't come in your mouth. (405)

Brian: A surprise awaits you. What's yours say?
Justin: The man you love will slowly and sensually peel off all his clothes for you, exposing his perfect body.
Brian: Hmm.
Justin: Then he will take out his beautiful dick and you can suck it.
Brian: This is one long fortune. (407)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Alright, so I'm a shitty father. Are we surprised? I'm upholding a fine family tradition! (117)
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Brian: And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were. (414)
:: submitted by kanela

Brian: And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say judge yourself. It's who I am. (501)
:: submitted by natcat

Brian: Are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying? (101)
:: submitted by Michelle

Brian: Are you going to come eat the chicken? (104)
:: submitted by Aeryn

Brian: As usual, objectivity falls to me. Think, you don't really want me there do you? I'd have to be chemically dependent just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes, I'll heckle the ceremony, table dance at the reception and inevitably fuck every guy-gay, straight, or undecided-in the place. Finally I pass out naked bitching about the cheap booze. You'll lose your dignity, your friends, and your shirts paying for the damages. Hell, I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.
Melanie and Lindsay: Have a safe trip! (211)

Brian: Back in the old USA for enough money you can buy anything. (414)
:: submitted by so music addict

Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright. (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Ben needs more muscles like I need another cock. (306)
:: submitted by Kathlene

Brian: By the way, I missed you. (408)
:: submitted by Burcu

Brian: C'mon, Mikey, let's in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane? (101)
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Brian: Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.  (506)
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Brian: Did I mention it hurts like a motherfucker? (414)
:: submitted by Mandy

Brian: Do you think they did it? Do you think he slipped her the big greaser? (214)

Brian: Don't get smart, or I'll have to spank you. (101)

Brian: Don't tell me no one's ever had a Big O at the Big Q.
Michael: I wouldn't know.
Brian: Well, I would. From first-hand, and I mean, first-hand experience.
Michael: Are you saying…
Brian: Remember last Christmas when I came to pick you up and you were setting up for Santa's Workshop?
Michael: Not Santa, don't tell me you fucked Santa!
Brian: Ah, even I wouldn't do that. I'm not into fat. His elf.
Michael: You didn't!
Brian: What he lacked in feet, he made up for in inches. (113)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Fags are no different than people. Tell them they can't have something and it's all they want. And they won't give up until they get it. Now, shall we step outside and allow a few more of the 'beautiful people' in? (503)

Brian: Fuck groups!
Lindsay: I thought you did.
Brian: Occasionally. But it's only by invitation only.  (106)
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Brian: Fuck me.
Man: I'd love to. (103)
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Brian: Get the fuck out! (408)
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Brian: God gave me a second chance. I don't wanna blow it, but you feel free to. (410)
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Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me.
Justin: Don't flatter yourself.
Melanie: Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay. (106)

Brian: He doesn't want an ass in good taste, he wants an ass that tastes good. (211)

Brian: He who hesitates, doesn't get laid. (406)
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Brian: He's a selfish prick, thinks only of himself. (513)
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Brian: Hey stud. Wanna dance?
Justin: Shut up.
Brian: I promise you won't forget this one. (204)

Brian: Hey, what size does this come in?
Emmett: Twink, stud, and bear.
Brian: I'll take a stud. (219)

Brian: His life was just going to hang there, like some shirt in the closet you never wear.
Justin: So you pushed him away.
Brian: It was the only course of action.
Justin: Yeah, but now he hates you.
Brian: That's okay. As long as Mikey's happy.
Justin: God, you must really love him. (112)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: How old are you really?
Justin: 20...19...18...
Brian: What is this, a missile launch?
Justin: 17. (101)

Brian: I could end it all! Right now!
Michael: That would be dramatic. Just like ER… birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!
Brian: You’ll have to come get me…
Michael: I’m serious. Stop clowning!
Brian: Or I’ll jump! (101)
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Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. (101)
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Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married. (102)
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Brian: I just love planting my seed in some the ground. (504)
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Brian: I know it's scarier choosing your own path than doing what's expected of you. (118)
:: submitted by Ashlee Rose

Brian: I love you. (510)
:: submitted by Jinx

Brian: I love you.
Justin: Hmmm...
Brian: I love you. (510)
:: submitted by jinx

Brian: I miss the old orgy room.
Jennifer: You could make it a conference room.
Brian: It's perfect - for screwing the competition. (403)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: I think I'm experiencing possession withdrawal. I need to lie down.
Justin: Good thing you didn't sell your bed.
Brian: I'd rather sell a kidney. (314)

Brian: I thought I told you to get out?
Justin: I guess I didn't hear you. You tend to mumble a lot. You want some soup? It's Debbie's homemade recipe.
Brian: No wonder I feel like barfing. Listen to me, you little shit, I don't want you here.
Justin: I don't care what you want. [Brian comes and grabs him and struggles with Justin while trying to throw him out.]
Justin: You're not getting rid of me. [Justin throws Brian down to the floor]
Justin:Shit! Are you all right? Tell me you're all right.
Brian: I'm all right.
Justin: No you're not.
Brian: Then what the hell are you asking me for?
Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
Brian: Maybe you should have.
Justin: Yeah, maybe you're right, but I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now, I want you to get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch. And eat some fucking chicken soup. (409)
:: submitted by

Brian: I thought we agreed no weird lesbo sex in front of the kid.
Melanie and Lindsay: Fuck off, Brian! (211)

Brian: I tune out self pity, it makes my dick soft. (106)
:: submitted by

Brian: I want it to be you.
Michael: What?
Brian: I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.
Michael: I want it to be you too. You pull my plug.
Brian: And you pull mine. (104)
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Brian: I'd rather have my tongue super-glued to a lesbian's twat. (402)

Brian: I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day. (203)
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Brian: I'll be glad when Pride's over so we can all go back to being ashamed.
Justin: You're just grumpy 'cause you had to look after Gus all day and no one hit on you.
Brian: Plenty of people hit on me. Unfortuneately, they all happened to be lesbians wanting my sperm. (204)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: I'm not an asshole, I was just drawn that way. (215)
:: submitted by Laura

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (506)
:: submitted by Jennifer

Brian: I'm queer! (501)
:: submitted by Adrian

Brian: I'm suing the motherfucker. He said I was thirty-one...I'm thirty. (203)
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Brian: I've always dreamed of having an office with a drain in the floor. (403)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: If I have spend eternity of eternities burning in hell, its better than spending one good day in heaven with you! (410)
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Brian: If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead. (119)
:: submitted by kanela

Brian: Is he a top or a bottom?
Ted: You know, not everybody judges people by your criteria, okay? (106)
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Brian: Is that what the well-dressed vigilante will be wearing this season?
Justin: Cody says it's important we be recognizable.
Brian: Hmm, well, you'll be recognizable, all right. So, what weapon are you packing, the howitzer or bazooka?
Justin: Pepper spray.
Brian: Whoo. Armed and ready for action. This Cody's thought of everything.
Justin: I remember when my mother used to refer to you as this Brian.
Brian: Well, your mom's no fool. She knew her little angel was getting himself into a peck of trouble. She's not wrong this time. (403)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: It's fucking four in the morning!
Michael: Creativity doesn't punch a time clock.
Brian: Oh my God, that is so profound. Can you hold a minute while I write it down? (215)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: It's not lying if they make you lie, if the only truth they can accept is their own. (108)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: It's Ok to like dick and it's OK to like pussy. But not at the same time. (411)
:: submitted by jinx

Brian: It’s become a bona fide police state here at Loss-of-Liberty Avenue. (310)
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Brian: Just give me one valid reason why any queer in his right mind would want to bring a kid into this world.
Michael: Hm...
Brian: Can't think of one, can you?
Michael: Wait a minute...hold piss off straight people. (303)
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Brian: Justin is a big boy. He should be allowed to make his own mistakes. (403)
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Brian: Keep it up til Monday.
Emmett: What's Monday?
Brian: Flag Day! (209)

Brian: Let's get a picture.
Michael: That's for kids.
Brian: Come on, Mikey.
Michael: It's stupid.
Brian: It wasn't stupid when we used to lock ourselves in your room, reading Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad, wishing we were invincible like them. And pretending that no earthly force could ever separate us, like them. And swearing that we'd always be there for each other. Like them.
Michael: You remember that? (203)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Let's just say he's the guy I fuck more than once.
Justin: Unlike you. (309)
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Brian: Linda Hurley.
Michael: Who?
Brian: Linda Hurley. A.K.A. Linda the Hurler. I've been trying to think of her name all day long.
Michael: Christ. What made you suddenly think of her?
Brian: Your last foray into showbiz.
Michael: Let's hope this time I won't have to be hosed down.
Brian: Tell me the story, Mikey.
Michael: You already know the story.
Brian: I don't care. Tell me again.
Michael: It was the junior class presentation of 'Our Town'. And somehow I had landed the part of George. And Linda was Emily. And it was that tender moment at the end of act two, where they kiss.
Brian: And she puked all over you.
Michael: She had the flu.
Brian: Yeah, it flew all right. (408)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Listen to me. Are you listening?
Ted: I'm listening.
Brian: You may be a pathetic drug addict who's lost everything - your dignity, your livelihood, your lover, your good name, the respect and trust of everyone you know…
Ted: No one gives a pep talk like you, Bri.
Brian: But there's one thing you haven't lost. You're still an accountant. That's who you are. Not even the lowest form of degradation can take that away from you. (404)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Listen, you can't stay. I've got someone coming over in approximately seven and a half inches. (107)

Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch, my father an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is problably why I am unwilling or unable to perform a long term, commited relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuous sex dosen't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean the most of me. There, don't you feel better? No, but I'm sure you do. (508)
:: submitted by Adrian

Brian: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hell. (209)
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Brian: Now you can either stand around here and eatin' jambalaya or you can come up stairs and eat my ass. (108)
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Brian: Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. Do you want to come home with me? A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick tick tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say? (101)
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Brian: So in other words. For Justin to stay here with you, Justin has to deny who he is… what he feels… That's not love. That's hate. Justin, you coming? (108)
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Brian: Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything. (314)
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Brian: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. (407)
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Brian: Take a shower -- you stink. (219)
:: submitted by Vreni

Brian: Ted Schmidt woke one morning from fitful dreams to find himself transformed in his bed into a giant vagina.
Ted: Worse. I'm immune.
Brian: To penicillin? To clever literary references.
Ted: To porn. (219)
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Brian: That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I could use the one ball I have left. (410)
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Brian: The difference between our beer and their beer, is our beer says, 'Sex,' not Clydesdales. If you wanna be cool, if you wanna be popular, if you wanna get laid, this is what you drink. (102)
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Brian: The first time you came here, you didn't know anything about me. I could've done anything to you.
Justin: I was pretty sure you were going to fuck me. (210)

Brian: There’s only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate you to your face and the ones that hate you behind your back. (102)
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Brian: This is like that time in 7th grade when I lent you my brand new 10-speed and when you brought it back my front fender was crushed, my seat was torn...
Michael: I was hit by a bus! (401)
:: submitted by rachael

Brian: This is not the White House. George Washington never slept here.
Justin: He's the only one who hasn't. (110)
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Brian: This is where I live. This is who I am. (501)
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Brian: This used to be such a magical kingdom full of sprites and fairies. (314)
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Brian: To go out in a blaze of glory. Like Cobain, James Dean... Hendrix. They're all legends. They'll always be young, and they will always be beautiful.
Michael: And they will always be dead.
Brian: Life's not worth living, if you don't take risks! (122)
:: submitted by Summer

Brian: Twenty of Pittsburghs hottest, horniest hunks... and Debbie.
Justin: Well, I know how much she wants to be a gay man, but is it wise to encourage her? (312)
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Brian: Wanna finish? (311)
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Brian: We gave them a prom they'll never forget.
Justin: Me, neither. It's the best night of my life.
Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic. (122)

Brian: We're cop-ulating. (314)
:: submitted by Shiz McFizz

Brian: Well, I wanna dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy, too. (103)

Brian: Well, you've been to enough heterosexual suicide pacts to know this is a wedding cake. (414)
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Brian: What about you? Do you expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blond boy ass? Is that your idea of true love, Sunshine? (305)
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Brian: What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle. (117)

Brian: What the fuck are you doing here?
Justin: I'm waiting for you. You don't answer the door, you won't return my calls.
Brian: That should be a hint.
Justin: Why won't you see me?
Brian: Cynthia! Cynthia!!
Cynthia: Jesus, Brian, what's going on?
Justin: You can't just kick me out.
Brian: Watch me. [to Cynthia] I don't want his calls, I don't want him in this office, and if he comes near me I want a restraining order. Got it? And if some asshole named Vic Grassi calls from Hell, you can tell him I'm in a meeting. (409)
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Brian: What're you doing?
Justin: Killing you with kindness. It's proven to be a highly effective technique for achieving one's goals. (117)

Brian: When it comes to measuring wood, I'm an expert. (215)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Where are you heading?
Justin: No place special.
Brian: I can change that... (101)
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Brian: Where's the sucking and where's the fucking? (203)
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Brian: Who told you I was here, Rosencrantz or Guildenstern? (201)
:: submitted by Beki

Brian: Whoa dude! The kids at school will, like, puke, they'll be, like, so jealous! (203)
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Brian: Why aren't you home packing your lunch box for school tomorrow?
Justin: I don't need to. I'm not going.
Emmett: Let me guess, you heard they're going to make you draw vaginas.
Justin: I quit!
Emmett: What?
Ted: What for?!
Justin: Well I can't draw anymore. What's the point in wasting my time when I can be here popping pills and drinking beer, sticking my gimp hand down guys' pants. (205)

Brian: Why can't we just stay here and cuddle? (513)

Brian: Why Daphne, what an unexpected surprise. You look particularly enchanting today.
Daphne: Mind if you hit on me later? I have to talk to you. (405)

Brian: Why do you always have to ruin everything?
Michael: Ruin? I'm saving you! Just like Toby Harper saved Captian Astro in issue 231 of Astro Comics when Captain Astro thought that he lost all of his super powers.
Brian: God, you are so pathetic.
Michael: No. You are! Don't you see that you still have your powers? All of your powers. And you always will. Whether you're 18, or you're 30, or you're 50, or you're 100. You wll always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake! (122)
:: submitted by

Brian: Why me? Why did you choose me?
Ted: My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could, because you're a heartless shit. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go. (104)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Why would I want to go to a stupid prom with a bunch of fucking 18 year-olds?
Justin: I thought you liked fucking 18 year-olds. (122)
:: submitted by Cory Schultz

Brian: Why'd you treat Michael like that?
Emmett: Like what?
Brian: Like he's an insignificant piece of shit.
Emmett: What the fuck business is it of yours?
Brian: Anybody who hurts Michael is the fuck my business.
Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too.
Brian: By being friends with Theodore?
Emmett: You are the one who told me to forget him. That he's dead. Right here on this very dance floor.
Brian: Well, guess what? Like Jesus and Liza and Judy, he's making a comeback.
Emmett: And now everybody wants to give him a standing ovation, just like nothing ever happened.
Brian: Listen to me, Honeycutt. Are you listening? Michael is your friend, just the same as he's Ted's. But if you force him to choose between you, you're going to lose him. (403)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Wish I could have been there. How often do I get to see Snatch? (101)

Brian: Word of advice, next time you have nuts in your mouth, suck, don't chew. (204)
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Brian: Yeah well, that's the thing about being a superhero. The average person thinks it's all about stopping two planets from colliding or saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole. But most days, it's just your average run-of-the-mill good deeds. (403)
:: submitted by kalindy

Brian: Yeah, and don't forget: she's a cwazy wesbian! (310)
:: submitted by Brandon

Brian: Yo, bitches, tear each other's hair out later. (211)
:: submitted by Beki

Brian: You can bar the windows, lock the doors, but eventually bound to get in. (508)

Brian: You know, Gandhi was a Marlboro Man. (511)

Brian: You know, he's a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael: You had sex with Ted?
Emmett: You never had sex with Ted.
Michael: When did you have sex with--
Brian: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy. (104)

Brian: You look hot, Daphne. I'd fuck you. (122)

Brian: You should do him.
Michael: What do you mean 'do him?'
Brian: I'll get you an instruction manual. (118)
:: submitted by

Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me?
Joan: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.
Brian: I can?
Joan: Well, it won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. Be strong. Harden yourself.
Brian: I wanna be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Oh, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left.
Joan: Shame! Shame on you!
Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you. (410)

Brian: You think you know him? You don't.
Dr. David: I'd like to, but I never will as long as you're around. Maybe I should just disappear. You'd probably like that, and he probably wouldn't think twice about it. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to disappear because I want him, even more than you don't want me to have him. So if you're really his best friend, give him a chance to be happy, to have a life - his own life. Let him go. (107)
:: submitted by

Brian: You walked down with me, back to the Jeep, and we were goofing, we were dancing. I kissed you, said 'later.' And then you turned around and smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine. (202)

Brian: You're going out of state?
Justin: Why? Do you give a shit?
Brian: It's just the first I've heard of it, that's all.
Justin: You do. You give a shit! You give a shit! You so care about me! You love me so much!
Brian: Get out!
Justin: Brian Kinney gives a shit!
Brian: Fuck you. (116)

Brian: Your sperm actually liked Melanie's eggs, ugh. (307)
:: submitted by Niya

Carl: I need someone in my life who'll make me laugh, who'll make me feel good.
Michael: I'm already taken.
Carl: That's why I want to marry your mother. As soon as you say 'You may', I want her to say 'I do'.
Michael: That's … that's a big request. Normally I ask for personal references and W-2 forms for the last three years and an arrest report. But in your case, I only have one question. Do you promise … you'll be good to her? (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Chinese herbalist: Which one you think is the top?
Chinese herbalist no. 2: Both look like major bottoms to me. (410)

Cody: We protect ourselves. Patrol the streets.
Lindsay: You mean vigilante group?
Cody: Yeah! The Pink Posse!
Melanie: But isn't taking the law into your own hands?
Cody: Which law is that? The one that says you can't get married? That, if they find out you're gay, they and fire your ass. That you can't adopt kids... Hell, they can even arrest you for fucking!
Ben: That was changed.
Cody: Right. You can now copulate in Texas. Well, yippee-ki-oh-ki-aye! You think anyone would dare call a black man a nigger? And how about calling an Israeli a kike... man they'd blow your ass right off the face of the earth. But they have no problem calling us fags... Why? Because they can. Because they know we're all sissies; That we're too chicken shit to do anything. So go on, sign your potitions, write your letters, and blow your little whistles. But nothing's going to change until we fight back! Until we learn to say: 'Don't. Fuck. With. Me.' (402)
:: submitted by Justin

Cop: Are you aware you were speeding?
Michael: Oh that must be why it felt like we were going so fast. (214)

Cop: You were doing 60 in a 35-mile zone.
Michael: Wow, what do you know? Math. Give the officer a jelly donut. (214)
:: submitted by kalindy

Daphne: I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan. (106)

David: What about you? What do you do?
Brian: Advertising.
David: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.
Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep. (106)
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David: What's wrong with this contest is that it exposes the single most tragic flaw of gay culture.
Brian: It exposes a lot more than that, Doc.
David: And that is our almost pathological obsession with youth, beauty, and smooth, muscular bodies.
Brian: I know, what a shame.
David: And until we break free of our stunted adolescence and our superficial values will always be boys, never men.
Brian: Is that all?
Michael: I happen to find what David is saying to be profoundly insightful.
Brian: I find it to be profoundly full of shit. An opinion put forth as true by a bunch of hypocritical, jealous, guilt-ridden, self-loathing, middle-aged, sexually frustrated, pseudo-intellectual fags who wish they were straight. (120)
:: submitted by

Debbie: A word of advice, my sweet Emmett. Mourn the losses, because they are many; but celebrate the victories, because they are few. (314)
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Debbie: After all, you're cute! You're young. You're hung! (205)

Debbie: All right, you boys stick together, all right? And look out for each other.
Michael: We will, Ma.
Debbie: Shit. I just called you boys. You're married men now. (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: And one more thing. The next time you talk to me like that. I'm going to rip you a new butthole so big, you're going be able to take a cannon up your ass. (205)
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Debbie: Ben, Honey. Here, have some more rigatoni.
Ben: Oh, no, no, Debbie, really I couldn't.
Debbie: Sure you can.
Michael: Ma, will you stop force feeding him?
Debbie: He's one of the family now.
Ben: Excuse me, I'm one of the family.
Michael: Yeah, my sincere condolences.
Debbie: What Michael means is, membership has its privileges.
Michael: Yeah, what? Are you going to hit him in the head now too? (220)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Brian must've knocked up Sunshine! (513)
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Debbie: Don't forget, Monday night, ziti night.
Michael: Great. So I can be fat and single. (209)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: I can't tell if these branches are tops or bottoms.
Emmett: You'd have to ask another tree about that. (407)

Debbie: I forgot. He just eats, sleeps and jerks off here. I'll keep my big mouth shut. (117)

Debbie: I just got a little shaky, that’s all. I didn’t get my sea legs back. I’ll be better tomorrow. (408)
:: submitted by Alicia

Debbie: I just wanted to sleep with the guy, not drill for oil. (303)
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Debbie: I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. Michael didn't tell me.
Ben: Yeah, he didn't want to upset you.
Debbie: I have the feeling it's not me he was worrying about. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: I've always said it isn't who you love, it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorising. (104)
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Debbie: It's supposed to be colder than a witch's tit in Canada. (413)
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Debbie: It's three days. Three fucking days and not one fucking word. Except for this strange cryptic message - Don't worry, Ma, I'm all right.
Justin: Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.
Debbie: Well, you're not a mother.
Ben: I just talked to him, Debbie, and he's all right.
Debbie: He is not all right. A mother can always read between the lines. It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.
Justin: Three?
Brian: I know, it explains so much.
Debbie: Ben, honey, the next time you talk to him, would you please tell him I love him up to the sky and back?
Ben: Sure, Debbie.
Debbie: And if he's not back here pronto, I'm going to rip his balls off. (401)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Letting go does not mean getting the runs. (115)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Now, you'd better get out of here before me and my fag friends beat the living shit out of you! (504)
:: submitted by Linzi

Debbie: Tuna and macaroni. It was your favorite when you were a kid.
Brian: No, it wasn't.
Debbie: Don't argue with me, you fucking loved it. (311)
:: submitted by sandersgirl13

Debbie: Well, I don't want to wear you out. We all know how exhausting I can be. If you see Michael, tell him I said hello.
Ben: Debbie, I'm really sorry for putting him through this. Maybe he should've listened to you.
Debbie: To me? What the fuck do I know? I'm just a controlling bitch who should've kept her big mouth shut.
Ben: You're his mother. You love him, you're trying to protect him.
Debbie: Well, I suppose there are two ways of thinking about it. I prefer yours. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Well, if it isn't the man behind the asshole.
Michael: Brian's always behind the asshole. (309)

Debbie: Which one of you said, hold the mayo?
Brian: That would be Mr. Miracle Whipper.
Debbie: How'd it go? Huh? Did you shoot your load?
Michael: Mother!
Debbie: Bet it was a whopper. The Grassi side of the family are Italian stallions, all of 'em.
Brian: Uh-huh. Well, this one didn't pony up.
Debbie: What?
Michael: Thanks for announcing the news. While you're at it, why don't you give us the sports and the weather? (305)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Why don't you boys sit down?
Ted: Thanks, but we prefer to stand.
Emmett: Bums are a little battered.
Debbie: Ah. Well, you I understand. But you? You're a disgrace to nelly bottoms everywhere. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Yeah, well, you can't dictate to your kids about how to live their life or who to love. And the more you do, the worse it gets.
Carl: Sounds like we're talking from personal experience here.
Debbie: My son's seeing somebody who's HIV-positive.
Carl: Holy shit.
Debbie: That's what I said. But try talking to him and he'll bite your head off. (214)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: Yeah? I have news for you. God says you stink! (510)
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Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century.
Emmett: Well, in addition to throwing fabulous parties and being a world-renowned master in the art of fellatio, I'm also one hell of a dance instructor. (314)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: You know, there were people, when they found out that Michael was gay, who said, and did, the cruelest things. Friends, neighbors, family. My own goddamn sister wouldn't even let her kids come over here. She was afraid Michael was going to molest them or something. Because that's the way people are. They're ignorant and they're scared. And there's nothing you can do, except educate 'em or shoot 'em. Me, I joined P-FLAG, 'cause I figured it was more practical than shooting 'em. (116)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: You know, you really scared me, Brian. I thought, well, this time you've finally gone too far. Sold your soul for money and power. I know how important those things are to you, and I understand where it comes from. But each time you'd reach the precipice and were about to step headlong into oblivion, you always managed to pull back. Why is that?
Brian: Winter sale at Prada? (311)
:: submitted by kalindy

Debbie: You say one word and you're going to be holding more then your piece. (413)
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Debbie: Zephyr looks just like you. And J.T. looks like Justin.
Vic: And Rage is the spitting image of Brian.
Debbie: How come I'm not in here? What, superheroes don't have mothers?
Vic: Who washes their tights? Who irons their capes? (220)
:: submitted by kalindy

Dr. Beamer: I did them all myself. I also did their asses. (211)

Dr. David: ...that's because you're all that matters to him. You're his world, his life, everything he thinks about, everything he dreams of, everything he knows.
Brian: He's my best friend since we were 14.
Dr. David: That's 16 years of waiting. He's been waiting so long he actually thinks he's happy. But you and I both know that he's never gonna get what he really wants, is he?
Brian: And what is that, Doc?
Dr. David: For you to fuck him. (107)
:: submitted by

Drew: I'm Drew Boyd: I call the shots.
Brian: Except when I have the ball. (411)

Drew: Looks like a couple of flamers to me.
Emmett: Excuse me, Mr. Boyd. I hope I'm not out of place for saying this. Actually, I don't give a fuck if I am. Back in Hazelhurst, Mississippi, where I grew up, I was always taught that if a real man has somethine to say about someone, he says it to his face, not behind his back. So, even though you may be a star, you know captain of the team, hero to millions, you still have a lot to learn about being a man. (409)
:: submitted by

Drew: Name one fag every kid wants to grow up to be.
Emmett: Harvey Fierstein? (410)

Emmett: Hello? Helloooooo? I know you’re there! I can hear your sinus condition! (508)
:: submitted by rachael

Emmett: Back in Hazelhurst, I used to look up at those houses on the hill… you know, where all the right people lived. And dream that someday I’d live there, too. (306)
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Emmett: Do I look like a human tit-clamp? (205)
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Emmett: Even if worst comes to worst and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad. You'll have time to read and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation. (307)
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Emmett: Faggots, faggots everywhere and not a drop to drink. (106)
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Emmett: Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious. (101)
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Emmett: Having recently made love to a woman, I can give you a few pointers.
Brian: Banging a bull-dyke for Jesus isn't exactly making love. (119)
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Emmett: Hey...she's cute.
Melanie: She reminds me of Lindsay with red hair.
Ted: What about her?
Melanie: She reminds me of Lindsay with black hair.
Ted: Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag. (116)

Emmett: Hollow eyes, 22-inch waist, inability to hold a conversation? He's either a total crystal queen, or a supermodel. (118)
:: submitted by Julie

Emmett: How was your... piece of cake? (201)
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Emmett: I don't need you to tell me that. Because I tell myself that everyday, but at least I am not some tweaked out, fucked out crystal queen!  (313)
:: submitted by Alicia

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (203)

Emmett: I once knew a guy who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me. (106)
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Emmett: I spent the night at Ted's. Guys, he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an intervention.
Debbie: Booze?
Brian: Crystal?
Emmett: Whipping the willie.
Brian: Schmuck--couldn't even get a decent addiction. (205)
:: submitted by

Emmett: I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mumify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? (103)

Emmett: I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some puny little pilot light. (102)

Emmett: I'm very flattered you should ask, so don't take this the wrong way, but . . . fuck off! (401)

Emmett: If we back up real slow, no one will even know we were here. (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Emmett: If you break his heart, I will break your face. (119)
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Emmett: Ooh, here's a sports mag. Better bone up, just in case the conversation veers from Liza's weight problem.

Emmett: Pink champagne.... yeah, uh, that's too nelly, even for me. (201)
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Emmett: She just hasn't been herself since the hot flashes.  (505)
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Emmett: So you mean my friend could actually blow said really hot flight attendant and still be within his rights? (302)
:: submitted by Alicia

Emmett: Stop the bus. Stop the fucking bus! (413)
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Emmett: Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?
Ted: Who's counting?
Emmett: I am. That's your fourth. Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?
Ted: So I'll burn 'em off.
Emmett: Honey, you'd have to go up in flames. (501)
:: submitted by rachael

Emmett: The point doesn’t matter. We still have each other. And together, we are gonna be just fine. (307)
:: submitted by

Emmett: Then do it, go ahead, kill yourself. But don't be a man about it, be a queen. (401)
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Emmett: Well, this is a surprise. Welcome to See The Light.
Michael: The way some of these people dress they should change it to 'Turn Off The Light'. (114)
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Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?
Brian: The kind that fucks men. (213)

Emmett: What'd you do that for?
Drew: Because I wanted to. (410)

Emmett: When I went to bed it was February and I only took one Xanax, so how long have I been asleep? (407)

Emmett: You date your saints; I'll stick to the sinners. (216)

Emmett: You know, when I go, promise you won’t let them sew my mouth shut? Because when I get to heaven, and I meet Natalie Wood, I want to be able to say, 'Natalie! It's Emmett! What happened that night?' (104)
:: submitted by

Ethan: It was one stupid mistake! Look how many times you forgave Brian!
Justin: I NEVER forgave Brian! I never had to, cause he never pronmised me anything. You did. (307)

Gardner Vance: Rumor has it that you're gay.
Brian: The rumor's right. But unless I'm fucking you, it's none of your business. (217)

Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'.  (313)
:: submitted by

Hunter: Can you get me an autographed picture of Cameron Diaz? She’s fuckin’ hot. (408)
:: submitted by Alicia

Hunter: If you guys stop to fuck, I'm screwed. (314)
:: submitted by kal

Hunter: If you want to hustle that cop, you should've asked me. At least I'm a professional. (312)
:: submitted by kalindy

Hunter: Next time, just fuck your brains out. Get it over with.
Michael: Thanks for the sex tip.
Hunter: Any time. (312)

Hunter: Speaking of dreams, this came too. It's from Greenpoint Press.
Michael: Well, you can't open someone else's mail. It's a federal offense.
Hunter: I can see it now. I'm on death row, awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, 'Opening Ben's letter.' (409)
:: submitted by kalindy

Hunter: You know how kids are at my age. We're trying to develop a sense of self, which often manifests itself in a reluctance to communicate with parents and other authority figures. (411)

Hunter I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's fun, exciting, and a great way to make non-reportable income. (313)

Ida Perlstein the Matchmaker: What are you looking for?
Michael: He should be tall, blue eyes, built like Superman.
Ida: Well, we all know you boys want beauties. That's a given.
Michael: You asked me what I wanted.
Ida: I'm not talking about the outside. Michael, sweetheart, what do you want on the inside.
Michael: I don't know.
Ida: Sure you do. Just close your eyes. Think.
Michael: He's gotta be passionate about life. He's worked hard to survive it - yet he's maintained his humor. He's charming, kind. He does something creative, maybe a writer. He's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha. And he focuses on living in the now because there's no time to waste. Oh, and when I'm with him, I feel like a better person. (208)
:: submitted by kalindy

Jennifer: He told the therapist that he likes dick.
Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again! (105)
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Jennifer: I guess I came at a bad time. [as a trick is leaving Brian's loft]
Brian: You two have a lot in common. (202)
:: submitted by Chris

Jennifer: I want you to take him.
Brian: Excuse me?
Jennifer: I want you to take my son.
Brian: Mrs. Taylor--
Jennifer: Jennifer
Brian: Whatever. What the fuck are you talking about?
Jennifer: He won't let anyone touch him, won't let anyone near him, shows practically no emotional except when he's in one of his rages or he wakes up screaming from a nightmare. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is standing there -- helpless. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Brian: What would you like me to do?
Jennifer: Touch him. Help him be touched.
Brian: You want me to fuck him?
Jennifer: You're the one he trusts, if that's what it takes. (202)

Joan: Why didn't you tell me?
Brian: The reason being?
Joan: So I could help you.
Brian: Well, I'm a big boy, mom. I can dress myself.
Joan: I meant pray for you. Help you see God's plan.
Brian: God has a plan?
Joan: He spared you for a reason. Do you know why?
Brian: To torment you. I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering. Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload. (410)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justice of the Peace: We are here today to join in matrimony Mr. Michael Novotny and Mr. Benjamin Bruckner. Do you, Michael, promise to love, respect and cherish Ben and be his true and faithful husband?
Michael: I do.
Justice of the Peace: And do you, Ben, promise to love, respect and cherish Michael and be his true and faithful husband?
Hunter: Say 'I do,' dude.
Ben: I do. (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: And you're so smart? If you had any fucking brains at all you never would have let me leave. You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I would regret it as long as I live. You would have told me that what you gave me was a thousand...a million times better than anything he had to offer. You would have told me you loved me. (308)
:: submitted by

Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.

Justin: Brian showed me he loved me, everyday. Even though he never said that, even though he never will. I just don't wanna hear that. (309)
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Justin: Can we please stay home, for one night, just the two of us?
Brian: You're too young to settle down.
Justin: You're too old to fuck around. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: Don't tell me you're going to forgive him.
Michael: Who said that?
Justin: Knowing you guys' dysfunctional history, you'd put up with anything.
Michael: Well, you'll be happy to know that even a glutton for punishment eventually gets his fill. (215)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: Guess what I got today.
Brian: A new bell for your bicycle?
Justin: A nipple ring.
Brian: Every piece of trash has something stuck through their ear or their nose or their belly button. Or their cock. What makes you think I'm even remotely interested that you have a ring through your tit. (107)

Justin: His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile, like he was in another place, a beautiful place, and that place was me. (102)
:: submitted by

Justin: I can't believe you did this. It's so…
Brian: Noble?
Justin: Out of character. What made you do it?
Brian: Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything. (314)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: I can't... believe... you fuck... me... again.
Brian: It was... your idea... to steal Ted's... Viagra. (209)
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Justin: I gave it some thought and decided you should take me back.
Brian: Oh?
Justin: Even though I've made a few mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not giving me a second chance.
Brian: I see.
Justin: Cause now I understand what it is you want of me. And I know what I can expect from you.
Brian: You also understand you'll be required to work long, hard hours -- sometimes deep into the night?
Justin: It would be a pleasure to work under you...Sir.
Brian: And you're never to play violin music in my presence again.
Justin: I promise.
Brian: Good. Well then, you can start immediately. (308)

Justin: I just saw the face of God.
Daphne: Huh?
Justin: His name is Brian Kinney. (101)

Justin: I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too. (105)
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Justin: I thought you liked fucking eighteen year olds. (122)
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Justin: I'm his muse! (311)
:: submitted by Joshie

Justin: I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett: Hopefully not on the same day.

Justin: I'm not anti-social, I just can't stand people. (303)
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Justin: If you take off your shirt, you get a free drink.
Brian: I don't show my tits for a watered down Bud. (105)

Justin: It would have been the perfect fuck you and farewell to St. James Academy. (122)
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Justin: It's not the size that matters.
Brian: Have I taught you nothing? (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: Jesus Christ, Brian. Now you don't even have a car.
Brian: Ah, now I guess I've lost everything.
Justin: Not everything. (314)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: Lesbians are into endangered species.
Brian: Yeah, unfortunately they aren't one of them. (211)

Justin: Look at all these old guys.
Brian: Yeah, it's sad, isn't it?
Justin: Yeah, some of them are even older than you are. I guess at their age, if they want it, they got to pay for it.
Brian: Another reason to die young.
Justin: Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting, that time will inevitably leave it's mark, and that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity. Until then, I could really clean up in this place. (312)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: So why the secrecy?
Brian: Because I don't want people like you saying, 'You can't, you mustn't.' I don't want every cunty faggot who goes to the gym saying, 'Poor Kinney, told you so.'
Justin: I have to hand it to you, your perserverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
Brian: And there you have the secret to my success. (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Justin: So you're just gonna take it lying down?
Brian: That's generally how it's done.
Justin: I thought you wanted to get even.
Brian: I just want to get laid. (312)

Justin: The man that got away?
Brian: I was halfway up is ass.
Justin: He must have heard that nasty rumor. You know the one about you having crabs?
Brian: I wonder how that happened?
Justin: Pack the sunscreen we're going to Ibiza.
Brian: I wouldn't ditch my textbooks yet. (406)
:: submitted by Natalie

Justin: Well, I started out as a tight end, but wound up a wide receiver. (102)
:: submitted by kaycee

Justin: What are you doing?
Brian: Just doodling. (205)

Justin: What changed your mind?
Brian: I finally thought of one good reason to do it.
Justin: And what is that one good reason?
Brian: To prove to the person that I love how much I love him. That I would give him anything...I would do anything...I'd be make him happy. I am selling the loft and the club.
Justin: Without even knowing what my answer will be?
Brian: I am taking my chance on love.
Justin: And you mean it?
Brian: I never meant anything more.
Justin: OK.
Brian: OK?
Justin: Let's do it.
Brian: Say it.
Justin: Yes.
Brian: Yes what?
Justin: Yes. Yes. I will marry you. (511)
:: submitted by Jinx

Justin: What's up?
Brian: Funny you should ask.
Justin: Whoa!
Brian: Is that a thing of beauty?
Justin: A joy forever! (410)
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Justin: What, are you scared?
Brian: Yeah, I'm incapacitated with fear. (404)

Justin: You scared me.
Brian: Relax, it's not that kind of a shower scene. (219)

Justin: You're the wicked stepmother!
Michael: What?
Justin: You're the wicked stepmother, like the fairytale.
Michael: Why don't you get your fairy tail back to work. Isn't there a toilet you need to spit shine? (115)
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Lesbian: Wanna go grab a coffee?
Daphne: Sure!
Justin: What are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian!
Daphne: So? Can't I be one of the cool people, too? (106)
:: submitted by Caitlyn

Lindsay: I love Melanie.
Brian: Sure you do.
Lindsay: Then how could I have...
Brian: Fucked a guy?
Lindsay: It's not possible.
Brian: Anything's possible. It's explaining it that's the tricky part.
Lindsay: But I've always been...
Brian: A carpet muncher. (411)

Lindsay: I think we're witnessing a conversion.
Melanie: Another lesbian success story. (216)

Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here?  (120)
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Lindsay: Jesus, Brian, you know how Stockwell feels about gay people. How could you sell your soul to the devil?
Brian: I haven't sold my soul, I'm just billing for time and expenses. (305)
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Lindsay: Justin has an amazing feel for the human form.
Brian: Yes, I've noticed that myself. (106)
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Lindsay: She thinks because I fucked Sam that I'm no longer a lesbian.
Brian: Well, you know what a stickler for detail she is. (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Lindsay: This is it. Don't be nervous.
Brian: If my heart rate was any lower, I'd be dead. (213)
:: submitted by kalindy

Lindsay: What do you think?
Brian: It's like a movie...a horror movie. (117)
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Lindsay: What, you expect me to walk around in a spandex dish towel and a couple of post-its? (406)
:: submitted by Elissa

Lindsay: You know, in your own weird, subversive way, you're not a bad father.
Brian: Well, I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad.
Lindsay: Well, whatever you are, if you'd like to spend more time with him, all you have to do is ask.
Brian: I think I'll stick to my un-credited cameo appearances.
Lindsay: You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we'll be watching him graduate from school. Then I imagine he'll meet a lovely young girl - or boy. Get married, maybe. Have grandchildren, maybe.
Brian: Oh, you really know how to kill a moment, don't you?
Lindsay: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever. (407)
:: submitted by kalindy

Loretta: I am a lesbian, and I'm not ashamed! (504)
:: submitted by Linzi

Man: Age is the last trick that any of us picks up... The problem is, after it fucks us, it doesn’t leave. So if I were you, I’d stop singing the title song from ‘Poor Me.’ (502)
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Melanie: And who the fuck are you?
Brian: His name's...
Michael: Justin.
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lindsay: Yuck! Brian!
Brian: He can't help it. He's only 17.
Melanie: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: Yeah but mine doesn't suck on my tits... unless I want him to. (101)
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Melanie: Careful, don't drop him!
Brian: That's just what I was planning on doing. (101)
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Melanie: How many tricks do you have a month?
Brian: Twenty, thirty.
Melanie: Jesus, what a life.
Brian: What does the number of guys I do have to do with it?
Melanie: Well for once the fact that you screw everything that moves is your finest quality and your best defense. (114)
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Melanie: It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is. (406)
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Melanie: Just for your information, Lindsay and I fuck like crazy. We pant and drool like a couple of bitches in heat. (208)
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Melanie: That's right; blame the Jew. (201)
:: submitted by Sonora

Melanie: Un-fucking-believable. Jesus, what are you? Mr. Teflon? Shit just never stick to you! (114)
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Melanie: What'd she think we were going to do, perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake? (201)
:: submitted by Aeryn

Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: Well it's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on!? It was never that big!
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen Gone With The Wind in a long time either, but I know it's still three and a half hours. (106)

Michael: All it would take is a quick jab in the vein, it be over in a flash. I'd hardly feel a thing and I'd be just like you.
Ben: I don't want you to be like me. (307)
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Michael: Ben's still working on his book, so I figured I'd come down here, have dinner with you and mom, try a little diplomacy.
Vic: Well, if you mean about you and him, forget it. She's dug her high heels in and she's not budging.
Michael: It's still worth a try.
Vic: Not tonight. She's got a date.
Michael: With a man?
Vic: Of course with a man. Why should she be any different from us? (214)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Christ, Brian! How'd you get in here?
Brian: My widdle key. (301)
:: submitted by Jennifer

Michael: David gets up at six o'clock every morning and runs five miles, while you’re still in bed.
Brian: I feel that's where I get my best cardio workout. (120)
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Michael: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Brian: Yes, cover your teeth. (201)
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Michael: Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy, but you gotta admit, these days it takes a real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners. (101)
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Michael: Excuse me, pardon me mister.
Brian: Are you talking to me?
Michael: You're in severe pain. you should be resting. What the hell are you doing?
Brian: I'm practicing riding one handed.
Michael: You're not seriously...
Brian: Yes I am seriously.
Ben: But you're seriously injured.
Brian: Can we stop saying the word seriously? (414)
:: submitted by Natalie

Michael: For a moment I wished that I, too, could be a lesbian. Then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it. (103)
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Michael: He wants me to be honest, to tell him what I really think.
Brian: And what do you really think?
Michael: It was kinda boring.
Brian: Kinda like him? He's your partner, Mikey. You gotta sit him down, take his hand and tell him "Honey, it's a steaming pile of horseshit."
Michael: Could you say that to Justin?
Brian: Yeah. Fortunately, the lad's a genius.
Michael: You are so helpful. (405)

Michael: He's a walking wet dream.
Brian: Well, don't get too turned on. You've got to save your come to squirt up Melanie's twat.
Ted: Our little Mikey, siring an offspring.
Emmett: Does this mean you two will be related.
Brian: Yeah, lesbians once removed. (304)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: He's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and Lindsay's nose...
Ted: Well if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble. (102)

Michael: How are you feeling?
Ben: Wonderful.
Michael: You look so sexy in your little gown. You want some crushed ice? They said it would help with the fever.
Ben: I never thought I'd end up here so soon.
Michael: You haven't ended up here. You'll be out in a day or two.
Ben: Oh, I've seen what happens. From now on it's back and forth, trip after trip.
Michael: The only trip you'll be taking is to Tibet. I've already booked us into the Katmandu Hilton. They've got a great package deal. It's 10 bucks a day and all the yak you can eat. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Hunter's in deep-shit trouble. His mom came to take him away.
Hunter: And she brought the cops.
Michael: So I took him and I ran.
Brian: My God! Have you no respect for authority? The law?
Michael: I had to do something.
Brian: So you risked it all? Mikey, you are so…
Michael: Pathetic, I know. (314)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I agreed to come to this, I didn't agree to dress like my Mother. (402)
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Michael: I blew it. I complained that David was working too much, and that I couldn't find a job, and that I didn't have any friends, and when I accused him of being thoughtless and not caring, and said that if I'd known it was going to be like this, I never would have come, he said - Well, go home, Michael - Go home.
Ted: Well, I wouldn't say that you failed.
Emmett: And, you know, it's not true that you don't have any friends, 'cause you still got us.
Ted: And as for coming home, you know, there's no shame in that. It's what it's here for. (201)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse!
Brian: Sorry, that position has already been filled. (118)
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Michael: I need to be strong.
Brian: You are, you are strong.
Michael: No, I'm not. My mom was right.
Brian: Your mom doesn't know shit. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Are you listening?
Michael: I'm listening.
Brian: The night Justin was bashed and I called you, and you were about to get on a plane, and you came here and you sat with me for three days, waiting to see if he was going to live or die. If it hadn't been for you, I never would have made it. It was because of you. You're strong enough for both of us. And you're going to be strong for Ben. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I ordered our favorite, Mighty Man Meat. Sausage, pepperoni, meatball, ham and bacon.
Ben: Ouch! (411)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I should warn you, my friends can be a little...
Ben: Judgemental? Vicious? Condescending?
Michael: So you've met them. (207)

Michael: I told my mom not to get her hopes up, and then she has to go and tell everybody. Now she'll probably be all disappointed and mope around for days.
Ben: Good thing you're not like her.
Michael: Yeah.
Ben: If it's any consolation, I'm disappointed too. I was looking forward to being Uncle Ben.
Michael: Like the rice. (304)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I want you to know, I'm not going to come here without you.
Ben: I appreciate the selfless sacrifice.
Michael: I'll be sitting at home, knitting, waiting for your return.
Ben: I don't want you not to have fun.
Michael: Don't worry, I intend to have plenty of fun. Although, phone sex to Tibet will be expensive.
Ben: I'm afraid there won't be much of that, Michael.
Michael: 'Cause you have to be celibate.
Ben: 'Cause I'm not going.
Michael: But it's all you've thought about, it's all you've talked about.
Ben: And you were willing to let me go.
Michael: You said it was what you needed.
Ben: I already have what I need, baby. I don't have to go to Tibet to find it. (220)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I'd throw up, if I didn't love every word of it. (509)
:: submitted by natcat

Michael: I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. (122)
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Michael: I'm - Dumpling. (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: I'm auctioning something on eBay.
Brian: Your mother? Don't start the bidding too high! (205)

Michael: I'm going to my gay home, take off my gay clothes and get into my gay bed. (101)

Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up. (304)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: If God had wanted me to be on ice he would have made me a Vodka Martini. (115)
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Michael: If you don't answer it he'll go away.
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (302)
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Michael: In ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work, they’re meek, underappreciated… they’re the guys that never get laid. And when they’re around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered. (206)
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Michael: It must be cosmic destiny. Every time I fall in love with someone, he leaves town. This one's even leaving the country. (220)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: It never changes. Someone drops -- we don’t know if he’s dead or alive -- but nobody misses a beat. The thumpa-thumpa goes on. (305)
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Michael: It was supposed to be dinner, not the fucking Spanish In-queer-sition. (209)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.
Brian: That's what women do over babies.
Michael: Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. (101)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: It's my business because I'm the one who will get the call that the cleaning lady found you hanging from the rafters with a fucking boner! (122)
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Michael: Ma, do you have to sit here?
Debbie: I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at it this way. If you meet somebody nice, you won't have to bring him home to meet me, 'cause I'm already here. (203)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Ma, I asked for plain paper.
Debbie: Well, if you want to be boring that’s your problem, but don’t inflict it on your poor kitchen. This way, every time you open your drawer, you get a surprise!
Michael: Or a heart attack. (508)
:: submitted by rachael

Michael: Ma, would you sit down and stop showing off.
Debbie: I'm allowed. How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring? When a man gives you a ring, it's special. It's meaningful.
Michael: Well, I wouldn't know.
Ben: Then maybe it's time you found out.
Michael: Found out what?
Ben: Michael Novotny - you are the man I've been looking for all my life. I am so very blessed to have found you. Which is why I'm asking you to do me the honor of accepting my hand in marriage. We're going to Toronto where gay marriage is not only accepted, it's legal. And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right?
Michael: I don't know what to say.
Ben: Yes would be good. (413)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Mel's in her 30s, and she's got endo-metry-whatever-the-fuck-it's-called, and now she's taken on the biggest court case of her life. (310)
:: submitted by Brandon

Michael: Mom, David and I had nothing in common except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one. (111)
:: submitted by Remus

Michael: Oh, my God. Look at her. You're so tiny.
Melanie: She didn't feel that way coming out.
Lindsay: The labor lasted 14 hours.
Melanie: It was like passing a bowling ball through the eye of a needle.
Michael: T. M. I.
Ben: Too Much Information. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Okay, just so you don't freak out...your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all in case your mom found it.
Ted: Well, I expect all 33 back. Cleaned. (104)

Michael: Remember what you always told me? "Blood is thicker than marinara sauce." (405)
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Michael: Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave me this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
Ben: Yeah, well, I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael: Why not?
Ben: Well, Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. (207)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: She hit me. My mother fucking hit me!
Ted: She's always hitting you.
Brian: That's how she shows her affection.
Michael: I mean for real.
Brian: Well, what did Mikey do?
Michael: I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop.
Ted: You know, if she keeps this up, we're going to have to take her honorary queer button away.
Michael: Where are her values? Her principles?
Brian: You know how it is when you want cock. They're the first things to go. (214)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Shrimp balls?
Man: I wouldn't say that...
Michael: Keep your hands off the tender loin. (202)

Michael: So the "thumpa thumpa" continues. It always will. No matter what happens. No matter who's president. As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: We will survive. (513)
:: submitted by Adrian

Michael: So what do you get two dykes who have everything?
Brian: Dykes don't have everything -- that's why they're so miserable. (211)

Michael: So, we've got the house all to ourselves again. What do you feel like doing?
David: I don't know, laundry? Bookkeeping?
Michael: Try again, stud. (115)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Still, I can't imagine having sex with your best friend.
Emmett: Really? So - so what? I'm sorry, because you can't imagine it, what? Teddy and I don't deserve to be as happy as you and Ben?
Michael: I didn't mean that. I want you to have everything in the world, including the hottest sex. I just don't want to hear about it. (301)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Sure didn't take them long to reopen.
Brian: Well, I told you, it's all a game. He closes them down, they pay a little fine, he gets a hit in the press. Your mom's the one who had to take it seriously.
Michael: She doesn't know about games. She takes everything to heart. You, on the other hand, are the perfect political animal. Hands steady, eyes fixed firmly on the target, say anything, do anything…
Brian: He canned me.
Michael: Huh?
Brian: Stockwell. He fucking canned me.
Michael: What for?
Brian: For being here. One of his cops recognized me.
Michael: Trapped in a web of your own deceit, a victim of your own machinations.
Brian: Save the bad dialogue for the comic book. (309)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Ted’s got a really big heart. Only nobody here is interested in the size of that organ. (101)
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Michael: That is a relief, knowing that I'll never have to see my own kid.
Lindsay: Well, you'll know the baby, Michael, and the baby will know you.
Michael: Well sure, when he-or-she is old enough, you can explain that I'm the donor.
Melanie: That is what this is about.
Michael: I must have heard you wrong, because I swear you said you wanted me to be the father. (304)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. Gay men it's every nine. (101)

Michael: This is Piston and Wolfen, and Periwinkle, and there's Emmett. I mean, Clear Day.
Ben: Don't forget the cutie in the kilt.
Brian: I think you may have found your Christmas card.
Ben: Didn't I tell you it'd be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, Dumpling?
Brian: Dumpling?
Michael: That's my fairy name. And if you ever so much as call me that… (402)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: We are going to go back and fight, and then we're going to try and turn you into a normal human being, which -- at the moment -- flapping my arms and flying to the moon seems like a better bet. (401)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: We bought you a whole fucking chicken! (104)
:: submitted by Diena

Michael: Well he already has a boyfriend!
Hunter: You do?
Brian: In a non-defined, non-conventional sort of way, yeah. (313)

Michael: Well, if it isn't Little Mary Sunshine
Emmett: Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go Fuck Yourself. (313)
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Michael: What are we going to do? I mean, talking about girls, women. I wouldn't know the first thing. I've never even slept with one.
Ben: I have, once or twice.
Michael: Really?
Ben: Mm-hm.
Michael: How was it?
Ben: It was all right. Got a hard-on and everything and I suppose I performed adequately. At least no one complained. But I also remember thinking - Why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal?
Michael: I guess that was the first clue.
Ben: That and liking to wear my mom's dresses. --- Just kidding. (411)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: What is it about gay men that they'll invent any excuse just to show their dicks?
Vic: Because it's fun?
Michael: Or else they feel it's all they have to show.
Ben: Well, Mr. Novotny, when did we become such a prude?
Michael: I'm - I'm not a prude. I just don't understand why everything has to be about sex. Like Justin's cover for the next Rage has got J.T. giving Brian, I mean Rage, a blow job.
Ben: Interesting slip. And how does Michael, I mean Zephyr, feel about that?
Michael: He doesn't give a shit, and neither do I. (309)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: What is this? Is this our old chemistry book? Yeah, it is, from high school.
Brian: Yeah, I'm doing some research. I have a new client at a drug company.
Michael: Oh. Well, you must be thrilled. You'll be able to get E wholesale. (201)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: What's that?
Ben: Oh, it's momo. Tibetan for dumpling, Dumpling.
Michael: Oh, it's spicy!
Ben: Come on, you sissy.
Michael: My western Pennsylvania taste buds aren't used to Far Eastern cuisine.
Ben: Well, it is good for you. Makes you sweat. Gets all the toxins out.
Michael: I can think of other ways I'd rather sweat. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: What's wrong with here?
Brian: I've had everyone here.

Michael: You know what part of your story I like best?
Ben: What?
Michael: The part where the gift giver decides not to sleep with the bug chaser and goes back to his partner. (410)
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Michael: You know what would be a luxury to me?
Ben: Live in maid.
Michael: Loud, uninhibited, screaming, raunchy sex.
Ben: You know, I did notice you were holding your breath last night. Now that's not healthy, it's like keeping in a sneeze.
Michael: I was afraid he'd hear us and yell 'God bless you!' (312)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: You know, come to think of it, we never really had a proper wedding night.
Ben: Sure we did. Shivering in our tent. On our little air mattresses.
Michael: I think we can do better than that.
Ben: Mmm. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: You wrote this? You wrote a book?
Ben: Yes. It's my first and, so far, only novel. The Cleveland Plain Dealer called it a nobel effort from a fresh new voice. It was on the remainders table a week later.
Michael: I've never met anybody who's written a book before.
Ben: Open it.
Michael: 'To Michael, beneath whose mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero. Ben' (206)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake! (122)
:: submitted by Diena

Michael: You're not a monk. I can vouch for that. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Michael: Your loyalty to Lindsay means more then our friendship?
Brian: Don't make this about us, Michael. (501)
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Michael: Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Cept when you're having it. And then it's all about 'Will he stay?', 'Will he go?', 'How am I doing?', 'What am I doing?' Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's 'Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me.' (101)
:: submitted by

Mr. Wiley: What is this? Another devious ploy?
Emmett: By an ambitious porn site hustler? No, Mr. Wiley. It's not a ploy. You see, I may not have a million dollars, like George, but I do have the truth. It's my only currency. And it's my gift to him. You can take everything. Every cent. But the one thing I won't let you take is what George and I shared. That's mine, and you can't have it. (218)
:: submitted by kalindy

Officer Butz: Both your names are on this.
Ben: It says spouses can use the same form.
Michael: While we were in Toronto, Officer, we took advantage of the fact that same-sex marriages are legal.
Ben: So we tied the knot.
Hunter: They're husband and husband.
Officer Butz: Who's he?
Michael & Ben: Our son. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Officer Butz: Did you bring any fruit into the country?
Debbie: 250 of them - on bicycles. (414)
:: submitted by kalindy

Old Man: You're a new Faerie aren't you?
Emmett: Around here I suppose I am. (402)
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Paramedic: Well...looks to me like you've broken your clavicle.
Brian: Ahhh! And it hurts like a motherfucker.
Michael: That'll teach ya to cruise guys no handed.
Paramedic: Good news is, it seems like it's a clean break, so it will mend well.
Brian: Did I mention that it hurts like a motherfucker?
Michaal: Is he going to have to wear a cast?
Paramedic: 'Cause of where he injured himself, all we can do it wrap it.
Brian: I'm sure I mentioned it hurts like a motherfucker.
Paramedic: We will give you some vicodin.
Brian: Ahh, hear that? Just like Babylon. (414)
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Pastor: It was good to have you young men at our service tonight.
Justin: It was very... inspiring.
Pastor: Give God the glory.
Cody: Mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?
Pastor: Please.
Cody: This book, you have to believe all of it, not just some of it, right?
Pastor: That's right.
Cody: So, do you like shrimp?
Pastor: Well as a matter of fact I do.
Cody: Because in Leviticus, a few scriptures before that man lying with man is an abomination one, it also says it's an abomination to eat shell fish, and shrimp are shell fish, right?
Pastor: What's your point, young man?
Cody: I believe the point is, if you can eat shrimp, we can eat cock.
Pastor: Son, you need the Lord, you need to accept Jesus.
Cody: Oh, I accept Jesus, it's assholes like you, I have a problem with. (405)
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Rodney: Some friends of mine convinced me that I should meet some positive men.
Michael: Why's that?
Rodney: I'd been dating negative men for awhile and it never seemed to work out. No matter how hard we tried, they could never really understand what it was like living with this thing. And with Vic, there's no need to explain. We already know what each other's going through. Instead of separating us, it brought us closer together.
Vic: Of course, not everyone who's positive feels that way.
Rodney: You mind if I ask, are you…
Debbie: No, he isn't. But his boyfriend is.
Rodney: Oh, I'm sorry. I never meant to say that you…
Michael: It's okay. I'm sure there's a lot of things I'll never understand. But it's not for a lack of trying. (307)
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Sam: I want to see you.
Lindsay: I can't.
Sam: Why not?
Lindsay: Why not? Try 'I'm married.' I have a child, and another one on the way. Oh, and did I happen to mention, lest we forget, that I'm a lesbian?
Sam: And did I happen to mention that you sure don't fuck like one?
Lindsay: What happened the other night was a mistake. A huge mistake.
Sam: Was it?
Lindsay: Yes, it was. Look, Sam: you inspire me, you challenge me, you make me laugh. I admire you so much. I guess I got confused and crossed a line I shouldn't have.
Sam: When I was a kid, I didn't respect the lines. In my coloring books, I always crossed the lines. Didn't obey the rules at all. I don't think that's always such a bad thing.
Lindsay: For an artist, no. But for a person... sometimes it make sense to read the manual and follow the instructions, dull as that may sound to you.
Sam: What about the part of you that secretly yearns for something else? The part of you that both of us know is there.
Lindsay: My house has many rooms. I occupy but a few. The rest go unvisited.
Sam: Who said that?
Lindsay: I did. (411)

Ted: I think God appreciates it even more because He created you in His image. At leats that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear, AND EVERY FAGGOT. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all. (114)
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Ted: After all, I am a gay man and sex is our national passtime. (410)
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Ted: Babylon, Jesus, Brian, I said a toy, not the whole playroom. (501)
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Ted: Check out his pecs.
Emmett: They're like, perfect.
Brian: They're like, implants. (112)
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Ted: Crunchy granola? Are you girls trying to convert me? (402)
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Ted: Flannel? Isn't that lesbian lingerie? (122)

Ted: Gay men and straight girls sleeping together....isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? (119)
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Ted: I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity. (104)
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Ted: I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it wont go down! What am I going to do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups.
Brian: Boo!
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would completely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits? (209)

Ted: I was rejected by everybody -- it's good to be back! (106)
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Ted: It's going down. You made my dick soft! (209)
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Ted: It's too late. I'm beyond repair. I have nothing. No future, no friends. No job, no lover. What's the point? I might as well be dead.
Emmett: Then do it.
Ted: What?
Emmett: I said, then do it. Go on. Kill yourself. Doing us all a favor. Only don't be a man about it, be a queen. Mood music. Yeah. And oh, here, it's not quite a dagger, but it'll do in a pinch. Go on. The good news is, you can finally be Maria Callas. Hm? Plunge it into your heart, like Tosca.
Ted: Tosca didn't stab herself. She jumped off a roof.
Emmett: Even better. Feel free to scream or sing as loud as you want. Because nobody's listening! (401)
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Ted: Michael's got Ben. You've got Justin. Even Emmett has George, for Christ's sake. How come everybody's got someone except me?
Brian: The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don't want one.
Ted: I don't?
Brian: If you had one, it would challenge the well-established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sack of shit that nobody wants. Therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you, then you stand around here and bitch like a high school girl, when in fact you've gotten exactly what you wanted, namely nothing.
Ted: Well, thank you, Dr. Kinney. You've saved me years of therapy not to mention several thousand dollars. (214)
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Ted: Thanks to, dare I say it, my good friend Brian.
Brian: Don't say it. (205)

Ted: The weather sucked. But so did the men. (408)
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Ted: Why do I feel like I've been here before?
Brian: Drop to your knees and imagine a cock in your mouth, it'll come to you. (404)
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Ted: Wouldn't that be like calling the Pope 'the Catholic guy?' (501)
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Ted: You have anything on you?
Brian: Yeah, 16 pounds of cocaine and 24 ounces of heroin.
Ted: This is no time to be funny!
Brian: Who's being funny? (214)

Tracy: Whether you're gay or you're straight, I thought we were friends.
Michael: We are.
Tracy: Well, friends trust each other. What did you think would happen if you told me? That I'd tell everyone at the store? I wouldn't have, Mike. Don't you know that?
Michael: I should've. But when you spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who you really are, you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature. (112)
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Trick: Did you ever see Citizen Kane?
Brian: Yeah.
Trick: All my life, all I've ever heard is how it's the greatest fuckin' movie ever made. So I finally rent it; the guy who plays the lead is fat, the story sucks and it's in black and white!
Brian: Maybe you were expecting too much.
Trick: Like with you. All I've ever heard is how Brian Kinney's the greatest fuck ever. If you ask me, you're both highly over-rated.
Brian: Everybody's a critic. Next time, maybe you should rent Butt Hole Boys, I gave it 2 thumbs up. (202)

Trick: You’re just kicking me out?
Brian: You got it.
Trick: Why’re the best fucks always the biggest jerks? (302)
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Vic: Once upon a time I was a pretty decent chef.
Debbie: 'Decent?' He was another Sara Lee!
Vic: I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure it was intended. (211)

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